


It's not always like this.

by red_scorch



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Named Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25719553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_scorch/pseuds/red_scorch
Summary: [reuploaded] The Exarch worries for the Warrior of Light, and he knows much of it is his own fault.
Relationships: G'raha Tia | Crystal Exarch/Warrior of Light
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	It's not always like this.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally done as a prompt by the same name as the title.  
> You can find me at @red_scorch on Twitter!

The Exarch tapped his knuckles softly on the door in front of him, then quickly retreated it, both in nervousness and to better hold the basket he had with him. Since his hands were occupied and couldn’t be wrung together, he instead opted for shifting back and forth on his feet as he awaited an answer. Mayhaps...it was a couple days too early for him to come by. He had been told, after all, to give their friend a few days to himself. But...

But he had grown so worried. Surely it wasn’t a good idea to leave A’caji with his thoughts for too long. It was something he understood only too well, stubborn though he was to seek the company of others at times. Not to mention after everything that had happened on this journey—with Vauthry and Hades and nearly being consumed by the Light (and, he supposes, he himself almost making off with said Light into the rift)—surely he was...overcome. The Exarch held the Warrior of Light and Darkness in very high regard, looked up to him and cared for him so deeply, but he made no mistake as to think their friend wasn’t terribly affected by all of this.

A twinge of guilt made him flinch. If his ears weren’t already squashed by his hood, they would well be flat against his head. Well, what was done was done. His friend had been saved, as was he himself and all of the First, and the world was beginning to heal. Mayhaps the Exarch could help A’caji along in that regard, by lending a shoulder and a nice meal. But would he even be welcomed right now? He sighed, heavy and sad.

He was about to turn away and take his basket downstairs for the manager to leave in the warrior’s room for later when he heard the knob creak and the door slowly inch open. From what the Exarch could see through the open sliver, A’caji looked almost unfamiliar. Bags hung under his eyes and his hair was an absolute mess, nothing like the stylish layers, braids, and feathers he so meticulously kept in order. Not to mention his brown hair now had a shock of white going through it after his near sin eaterification. His face, normally open and passively friendly, looked oh so drained and distant, his lips pulled down into a tired frown.

The Exarch was so taken aback he said nothing as A’caji slowly blinked at him, eyes widening. He looked surprised to see him here, but embarrassment slowly colored his features. “G’raha,” he rasped, voice crackling from disuse. “You shouldn’t be—you’re hurt still.”

Normally hearing the name of his younger self from his inspiration would make his heart hammer, but given the situation, it only made him feel terrible and concerned. He tried his best to smile. “Not so terrible I can’t do my rounds and then some. Our friends and Spagyrics have done a marvelous job,” he dropped his smile here and continued. “Rather, my friend, I—I wished to inquire about _your_ health. No one has seen you out and about these past few days and, well,” the Exarch looked down, training his eyes on his basket instead. “To be truthful, Alphinaud and Alisaie informed me that you would want your space after...everything that has transpired. But I could not, in good conscience, do nothing to help,” after a long moment, he peered back up at A’caji. “I...brought something for you to eat, if you would have it.”

A’caji looked on the verge of disagreeing before his stomach gave a weak grumble. He grimaced, looking away. The Exarch worried he had overstepped a line when A’caji looked back and gave a wavering smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Why don’t you join me?”

Once the door had softly shut behind him, the Exarch removed his hood and peered about the inn room and quickly realized it was not as tidy as A’caji normally kept it. Granted, A’caji did not have many things on the First to call his own. But that just made it all the more obvious things were in a bit of disarray. The window shutters were closed and apparently had been for some time, judging by the stale and heavy air. Clothes were strewn about the floor, armor pieces left on the bench and one even somehow left by the window. The bed didn’t look terribly unkempt, but the Exarch had to wonder how often A’caji had actually _used_ it the past few days. The last thing he noticed, on the dining table, was a relatively thick, black tome opened about halfway through. Next to it was a free piece of paper, ripped nearly in half, with hard, jagged lines on it as if frustration was taken out on it instead of the tome. A feathered pen laid there as well, with what used to be the tip smashed and broken off.

The Exarch couldn’t help it as his expression crumbled. He _knew_ what that tome was. He had the selfsame series of tomes in his possession in the Umbilicus. A’caji shot by him, slamming the book closed and cleaning up everything around it. “I-it’s not always like this,” he laughed, too nervous, too high pitched. He added, quietly, “...obviously.”

It took the Exarch a long moment to say anything until he saw A’caji trying to pick stray clothing off the floor. He schooled his face back into a more passive, friendly expression. “You needn’t worry about it on my account. I—I understand. Come, eat first.”

A’caji looked back up at him from where he had bent down, massively uncomfortable and looking almost skittish, before dropping the article and slowly moving to sit opposite of where the Exarch stood. The Exarch smiled warmly at him and sat the basket down. He pulled the white cloth off the top of it, revealing a neat row of sandwiches, much as the ones he had made for the warrior before. A’caji made a soft sound. His ears perked forward and he seemed at least mildly interested at the idea of food now. That was good.

The Exarch peered over to the closed window. “‘Tis quite a nice day out,” he said carefully, gesturing towards it. “A steady breeze. Would you like…?”

He wasn’t sure A’caji heard him at first. His gaze slowly, sluggishly, turned from the sandwiches to the Exarch, then to the window. His nose scrunched up. He didn’t seem much interested in fresh air, but likely knew it was for the better, and gave a shrug and nod in the same motion.

Once the window had been opened and both miqo’te seated, they grew silent as they began eating. The Exarch watched as A’caji nibbled on half a sandwich before seeming to find his appetite, quickly digging in on another. The sight made him give a silent sigh of relief. Personally, he thought maybe he should have done something a bit fancier than sandwiches, but, well, he wasn’t the culinarian in the room. But the warrior seemed to enjoy them immensely and the Exarch couldn’t ask for more. He finished off his own sandwich and folded his fingers together on the table. All of it had been meant for A’caji, after all.

Halfway through his fourth sandwich, A’caji’s chewing slowed to a stop. He swallowed and placed the last half back in the basket. “What did Alisaie and Alphinaud say, exactly?”

The Exarch stared down at his hands. “They were quite brief, as I am sure you would prefer. To preface a bit, the night we returned from the Tempest, I realized you disappeared from the festivities early on. I worried if there was aught amiss and went about looking, but the twins took notice and bade me to give you space. That, ah, this happens after each of your adventures,” he turned that phrase over in his head for a moment, then peered up and spread his hands out in front of him. “‘Tis not to say they were dismissive, just...understanding of the weight that you carry, I’m sure.”

A’caji nodded slowly. “Yes, well…” he seemed unsure of what to say and merely shrugged.

Folding his fingers back together, the Exarch exhaled softly. “And...part of that weight has been because of me. While half of the intent of bringing you to the First had been to _save_ you, as it has, and I’m eternally glad, I cannot act as if it hasn’t been—challenging. Difficult. Painful. For you to carry all that has happened. I am not sorry you yet live, but I nevertheless regret that my actions have caused you such anguish,” his ears pinned back against his head. “And for that, should you have a desire fulfilled, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Should you wish to have choice words with me, I would not blame you and welcome it. Should you—” he choked. “ _hate_ me, I would—”

A warm hand enveloped his own and the Exarch found he had at some point twisted his eyes shut, but now gazed wide eyed down at his hands and one of A’caji’s own.

“G’raha, why would I _hate_ you?”

The Exarch stared owlishly at the warrior. “I… That is…”

A’caji made a sound that was half sigh, half groan. He leaned back, slouching, but tightened his grip on the Exarch’s hands. “‘I… do kind of fall into a pit, after the current crisis is dealt with. It’s hard not to, with the things I see and do. And I suppose it’s only made worse when I—try not to... _feel much_ , during. Anything that could affect my judgement or fighting overmuch,” he gave a hard shrug, muttering, “hits me all at once.”

He had so rarely heard the other speak so much at once. It made his heart ache for him, the flood that was now coming. Maneuvering his hands so A’caji’s was in between his own, the Exarch rubbed the thumb of his non-crystallized hand over the other’s knuckles. He hoped it was comforting.

“It’s hard not to think about those I failed to save. Or that nearly every battle must end with me the victor or it’s _over_ . Or that I almost... _almost_ turned into a sin eater, and would have doomed the First all over again. All of that work, undone,” with his free hand, A’caji clutched at the fabric over his chest. “...The godsawful pain of the Light.”

The Exarch recoiled. _He_ did that. He made his dear friend and inspiration go through maddening pain and anguish with little explanation on his end, up until the aftermath of Mt. Gulg. Hot tears filled his eyes so quickly he couldn’t even raise a hand to wipe them away before they spilled over. He intended to speak, inhaling a shaky breath.

“But,” A’caji murmured, soft but firm, intent to interrupt the Exarch. “I don’t blame you for any of this. You did what you had to, to save both me and the First. And I accepted a long time ago that this is what I do, as the Warrior of Light—and Darkness... Of course it hurts to recall some things,” the Exarch watched as the warrior had to stop, eyes shut tight, recalling such memories. After a moment he peered back up at the Exarch with immense relief, eyes shining with unshed tears. “But, despite how I’ve been the last few days—please believe me when I say that I’m happy.”

Sniffling, the Exarch choked out, “You will have to forgive me for not quite believing you.”

That warm, content smile he loved so much spread across A’caji’s face, though dulled as it was by his tired eyes. “The First is alive and healing. Eulmore is growing away from Vauthry’s ways. Everyone has hope for the future again. And—you’re _alive_ , G’raha. I...I…” his voice grew thick as he brought a hand up to wipe at his own tears. “I was s-so afraid you would _die_ . I don’t know what I would have done if—the absolute _nerve_ you had on Mt. Gulg—”

The Exarch jumped as the warrior’s other hand slammed down and gripped the wrist of his crystal arm. Steely determination colored A’caji’s face.

“G’raha. You’re alive and I could not have hoped for a better outcome.”

His own tears had stopped at some point, but slowly came back again. He himself hadn’t hoped for this outcome. Not if he wanted his plan to succeed, prior to Emet-Selch botching it. But...he would be lying if he said he wasn’t incredibly happy to still be here. For whatever reason that could be, he was still here to guide the Crystarium, to guide Lyna, to see his inspiration still very much alive and able to continue his story. He bowed his head overtop of their hands.

“So don’t blame yourself, G’raha.”

“Thank you, my friend. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything.”

* * *

The conversation left A’caji drained, more so than he had been when the Exarch first came in. After urging him to eat the other half of his sandwich, the Exarch bade him rest. Even so, A’caji saw him off at the door. Granting their conversation had derailed a bit from his original intent, A’caji nevertheless opened up somewhat and seemed in slightly higher spirits. Although...

As the Exarch pulled his hood back up, he said, “Before I go, I must ask you something.”

“Of course.”

“With what was said earlier, would I be correct in assuming you do not often share your thoughts with the Scions?” A’caji frowned, almost _pouting_ , not happy with the subject. It nearly made the Exarch smirk. “They care for you, my friend, as do I. It would not do to keep that all bottled for so long. And before you protest, I merely ask that you confide in someone from time to time. Relieve the burden.”

The warrior squinted at the other, then sighed. He shrugged. “I...will try.”

The Exarch exhaled and smiled. “And despite the conversation, I must insist that if you desire aught, I will do my utmost to fulfill it. The savior of two stars deserves as much.”

“You deserve it as well.”

He flustered a bit as A’caji smiled tiredly, lightening back up somewhat. “Before any of that, I would say I need to find a way home for our friends first.”

“And you will,” the complete faith he had in his voice made the Exarch feel like he absolutely would. “But you also deserve to rest. Have some fun,” he closed his eyes for a moment, listing to one side. Just as the Exarch raised a hand to steady him, A’caji righted himself and looked at him in what excitement he could muster in his current state. “We could go on an adventure, like you wanted. Doesn’t have to be a long one.”

The thought made him giddy. Yes he absolutely wanted to go on an adventure with him again. He smiled wide, his tail trying to swish from beneath his robes. There was much to do before he could, but… He stepped out into the hallway. “As long as we don’t go terribly far from the tower, I...would very much enjoy that.”

A’caji’s beamed. “Let me know when you might have time. Goodnight, G’raha… Thank you.”

“Goodnight, my friend.”


End file.
